#TalesFromTheGrid is a surreal thought experiment regarding AI, algorithms, technology, giant rodents pretending to be doctors, and apparently… cats. Born in that weird, vulnerable moment between being awake and asleep, this set of text explores the dream logic. Sometimes? This series features very real stories about actual recorded human history—like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. But not this episode. This episode is merely… reality-adjacent
MEET THE TEAM: CAT-ENT PENDING, LLP
NAME: Barnaby “The Jitters” Mustelidae
TITLE: VP of High-Velocity Transcriptions & Biological Packet Switching
BREED: Ferret
STATUS: At Large (Usually under the breakroom fridge)
ATTIRE: Short-sleeved Oxford (White), Tie (Geometric Pattern), Pants (Optional/Unknown due to desk height).
BIOGRAPHY: Barnaby joined our Cat-Ent Pending family following a “misunderstanding” at a pharmaceutical lab where he allegedly consumed a control sample of an experimental stimulant. Since then, he has revolutionized our document handling process by typing 4,000 words per minute, mostly by vibrating against the keys.
Barnaby specializes in Analog Encryption. By eating the typewriter ribbon immediately after drafting a legal brief, he ensures that our sensitive communications—like the recent “Arizona Defense”—are physically impossible to subpoena. He is currently the only entity capable of serving papers to our high value clients, primarily because they share the same frequency of “existence.”
KEY COMPETENCIES:
Packet Running: Can physically transport a flash drive from Baltimore to Boston in 14 minutes using only the sewer system.
Data Obfuscation: His paw prints on the fax machine glass have been legally ruled as “redactions.”
Asset Management: He is currently hoarding the firm’s entire supply of paperclips in a ceiling tile.
QUOTE:“[Screeching noise] [Typewriter bell dings repeatedly] [Sound of drywall being chewed]”
LEGAL DISCLAIMER:Cat-Ent Pending, LLP denies that Barnaby is “coked up.” We prefer the term “metabolically ambitious.”
…
OFFICIAL BIO UPDATE:Mr. Mustelidae comes to us from a prestigious background in… burrowing. His unique surname, which most employees are too polite to Google, commands immediate respect in the breakroom. He is the only employee allowed to stand strictly upright on top of his desk during meetings, a power move he asserts is “cultural.”
Note: The IT department has requested Barnaby stop trying to “burrow” into the server rack to find the “data warmies.”
