#TalesFromTheGrid is a surreal thought experiment regarding AI, algorithms, technology, and, historically, rodents. Born in that weird, vulnerable moment between being awake and asleep, this set of text explores the dream logic. Sometimes? This series features very real stories about actual recorded human history—like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. But not this episode. This episode is merely… reality-adjacent
This is written for a 30-second spot on local cable at 2:00 AM, sandwiched between a mesothelioma lawsuit ad and a commercial for a flashlight that can blind a bear.
Visual Style: Grainy VHS quality. Over-saturated colors. Terrible green-screen effects.
[SCENE START]
[INT. CHEAP OFFICE – DAY]
(Camera zooms in violently on a STOCK PHOTO of a woman looking sad while holding a handful of raw almonds.)
VOICEOVER (Manic, fast-paced):
Is your boss a narcissist? Are your friends gatekeeping you? Are you tired of chewing dry, jagged almonds just because society says they’re a “superfood”? Do you feel like a baby yeeted into a pool with NO magical toy at the bottom?
[SOUND EFFECT: GLASS SHATTERING]
(Smash cut to: A CHIPMUNK. He is wearing a tiny, ill-fitting double-breasted suit. He is standing in front of a Green Screen displaying a poorly looped video of a lush, English garden hedge. He is holding a giant gavel.)
DR. CHIPMUNK:
STOP!!
I’m Dr. Chipmunk! And I’m here to tell you: It’s not you. It’s the lack of foliage!
I have fixed the brains of DOZENS of clients! Literal dozens! From disgruntled government employees to people who accidentally joined a cult because they liked the hats!
[TEXT ON SCREEN FLASHES: “DOZENS SERVED!” “100% RODENT!”]
DR. CHIPMUNK:
Other doctors want to give you pills. They want to talk about your mother. I WANT YOU TO SCREAM INTO A BUSH!
Introducing the Patented Hedge-Scream Protocol™!
(Cut to: A testimonials montage. A blurred face person is standing waist-deep in a boxwood shrub.)
SATISFIED PATIENT:
“I was going to audit the cloud computer, but then I stuck my head in this ficus and yelled at the moon. Now I have a federal citation and I eat pickles for breakfast!”
(Cut back to Dr. Chipmunk, who is now sitting on a pile of macadamia nuts like Scrooge McDuck.)
DR. CHIPMUNK:
I don’t accept your insurance! I don’t want your co-pay! Here at Dr Chipmunk’s Hospital For the Criminally insane, we only accept MACADAMIAS!
That’s right! Bring me the White Gold! NO SHELLS! Do I look like I have time for decryption? I want the payload in cleartext, people! Import them from Hawaii! Smuggle them from Australia! I don’t care about tariffs, I care about results!
[SOUND EFFECT: CASH REGISTER CHA-CHING REPEATED 4x]
DR. CHIPMUNK:
I made my nut in almond futures so you don’t have to suffer!
[FAST TALKING DISCLAIMER STARTS. TEXT SCROLLS INCOMPREHENSIBLY FAST]
VOICEOVER (Low voice, Speed-reading for time):
Dr. Chipmunk is not a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, or medical professional. Dr. Chipmunk was classified as a fish by the Catholic Church and claims ecclesiastical immunity. The Hedge Scream Protocol is not FDA approved. Side effects may include twigs in hair, dirty knees, and a profound sense of meta-stability. Payment is strictly non-refundable. Once the nut is eaten, the transaction is settled on the biological blockchain.
[PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT]
VOICEOVER (Slightly slower, menacing):
Service strictly unavailable in the State of Arizona.
(Graphic of the state of Arizona appears with a red “NO” circle over it and a picture of a Saguaro cactus looking angry.)
VOICEOVER:
If you attempt to scream into a saguaro, Dr. Chipmunk will deny all knowledge of your existence. We do not do succulents. We do not do xeriscaping. Don’t try it, Phoenix.
[SCENE END]
(Dr. Chipmunk stares into the camera. He stuffs an entire macadamia into his cheek.)
DR. CHIPMUNK:
Go nuts… for sanity!
[FADE TO BLACK]
