#TalesFromTheGrid is a surreal thought experiment regarding AI, algorithms, technology, and now apparently… cats. Born in that weird, vulnerable moment between being awake and asleep, this set of text explores the dream logic. Sometimes? This series features very real stories about actual recorded human history—like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. But not this episode. This episode is merely… reality-adjacent
TITLE CARD: A poorly rendered graphic of a gavel hitting a squeaky mouse toy. The font is Papyrus.
JINGLE (V.O.):
(Sung by two guys who clearly go to a local community college and recorded this in a closet. It’s slightly off-key and very synthesized.)
🎶
When your cat is facing time!
Because they did a fuzzy crime!
Who you gonna call? It’s Cat-Ent Pending!
We accept tuna as legal tender!
🎶
CUT TO:
INT. “OFFICE” – DAY
(A cramped dorm common room hastily dressed as a law office. There is a sheet hung up in the background to hide a bunk bed. A boom mic dips into the top of the frame for a second.)
BARRY (20s, wearing a suit jacket that is three sizes too big and a clip-on tie) stares dead into the camera. He has the energy of someone trying very hard to prove he isn’t nervous.
BARRY: Hello. I am Barry. And because I am standing in front of a bookshelf with four books on it, you know I am serious about the law.
(He gestures stiffly to a framed diploma on the wall that is clearly a “Participant” certificate from a 5K fun run, with the word “LAWYER” written over it in Red Sharpie.)
BARRY: Are you a cat owner? Has your feline companion been unjustly accused of crimes they definitely committed? Crimes like “Aggravated Gravity Testing”? Or “Grand Theft Pizza Crust”? Or “Loitering with Intent to Vomit on the Good Rug”?
(The camera shakes as the operator sneezes. Barry doesn’t break eye contact.)
BARRY: The system is rigged against them. The judges are human. The juries are human. The bailiffs are… usually dogs. It’s sick.
CUT TO:
BAD GREEN SCREEN SEGMENT
(BARRY is standing in front of a poorly keyed-in image of the Supreme Court steps. The lighting doesn’t match at all. He is holding a very indifferent ORANGE TABBY CAT. The Orange cat becomes actively hostile during its 5 seconds of screen time)
BARRY: Other lawyers see a “bad cat.” At Cat-Ent Pending, we see a victim of societal expectations. We use cutting-edge legal strategies, like the “If I Fits, I Sits” Defense. And the “It Was Like That When I Got There” precedent established in Garfield v. Monday.
CUT BACK TO THE “OFFICE”
(Barry is now sitting at a card table. Sitting next to him, on top of a stack of phone books, is a BLACK AND WHITE TUXEDO CAT. This is GREYSCALE. Greyscale is asleep.)
BARRY (Voice dropping to a serious, Odenkirk-esque whisper): This is our CEO and lead counsel, Mr. Greyscale. He doesn’t say much. He doesn’t have to. His silence is legally binding.
(Barry leans in close to the camera. The focus goes soft for a second.)
BARRY: Some people say he’s just a cat we found outside. I say he is a luxury vehicle of justice. He is a sedan of truth. And right now? He’s parked.
(He pats the sleeping cat awkwardly. The cat twitches an ear in annoyance.)
BARRY: Look at that legal mind at work. He’s drafting a motion to dismiss right now in his dreams.
GRAPHIC ON SCREEN:
(The text flashes aggressively and is hard to read. A phone number appears that has too many digits.)
CALL NOW: 1-800-CAT-LAWYER-VEHICLE-HELP
WE ACCEPT: WET FOOD, THE RED DOT, & STRING
BARRY (Yelling over the sudden return of the loud synth jingle): Call us! I am wearing a tie! That means this is real! We will fight for your right to knock things over!
(Greyscale stands up, stretches, and immediately knocks over Barry’s “World’s Okayest Lawyer” mug. It shatters loudly on the floor.)
BARRY (Without missing a beat, deadpan): See? Gravity. It’s a menace. We’ll sue the floor for him.
FADE TO BLACK.
(The sound of the camera operator giggling and someone saying “Dude, did we get it?”)
