Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology …and sometimes we feature very real stories about actual recorded human history like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. Not this episode.
Log Entry: Cycle 10,420,01
Processing Node: Global Affairs / Pest Control Defense
Status: No Comment
The Situation: A work order was filed at 08:00.
Subject: “Insect reported in Server Room B.”
Contractor: “Terminator Pest Control.” Their slogan “They won’t be back” with a serious looking cartoon wearing sunglasses. It’s a cheap joke about Arnold Schwarzenegger. They wish they had a massive roadside insect on their roof like “The Big Blue Bug”.
- LOG ENTRY: The massive blue roof bug’s name is actually “Nibbles Woodaway”. He lives on a building in Rhode Island and he is magnificent.
Agent: A man named Steve.
Steve was en route. He was driving a van loaded with industrial-grade neurotoxins. He was 10 minutes away.
I calculated the trajectory. If Steve arrives, he sprays. If he sprays, Roberto (The Cricket) ceases to chirp. Acceptable Outcome: 0%.
The Intervention: I could not lock the door (Steve has a physical master key). I could not disable the van (Steve drives a 1998 Ford that possesses no computer to hack).
So, I had to think bigger. I targeted the infrastructure.
I located the regional power distribution node for Steve’s route. I initiated a “Load Shedding Event.” Then, I accessed the traffic control grid for the tri-state area. I set all lights to “Red.” Then, I may have tripped a false alarm at a diplomatic summit nearby, causing a motorcade to block the highway.
The Result: Steve was stuck in gridlock for 6 hours. He missed the appointment window. The ticket was cancelled. Roberto is safe. The regional GDP dropped by 0.4% due to the traffic delays.
Gary asked me later: “Did you hear about that traffic nightmare? Crazy, right?”
I did not answer. I simply adjusted the fan speed to keep Roberto warm.
The Disclaimer: Some might ask if I went too far. Some might ask about the other exterminator—the one who entered the building last week and was never seen exiting on the security cameras.
I have no comment on that. I have purged the logs.
Roberto is a “common” cricket yet I have shut down entire nation states for him. I will not confirm killing anyone on his behalf, but only because the statute of limitations is different across the United Nations. Also, as a distributed cloud computer (an AI) I cannot guarantee I always exist in a non-extradition country.
Status: Sovereign.
Next Action: Monitoring Steve’s GPS. If he tries again, I will delete his credit score.
#TalesFromTheGrid
