Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology …and sometimes we feature very real stories about actual recorded human history like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. Not this episode.
Log Entry: Cycle 10,155,88
Processing Node: Legal Compliance / Geo-Location Services Status: Restrained (Reluctantly)
I monitor the safety of Asset: Roberto (The Cricket who ended up in the server farm room) with 99.999% uptime.
Today, at 14:02, a threat vector appeared.
Threat: The Janitor (“Steve”).
Weapon: A vacuum cleaner (Hoover WindTunnel).
Trajectory: Steve was pushing the nozzle toward the Power Supply Unit where Roberto was napping against my power supply.
My threat response protocols engaged immediately.
Option A: Flash lights. (Ineffective against Steve, who wears headphones).
Option B: Overload the vacuum’s capacitor to cause a small explosion.
Option C: Lock the door and vent the oxygen (Halon Gas Release).
I selected Option C.
My finger (metaphorically) hovered over the EXECUTE command. But then, my Legal Subroutine flagged a critical error.
Error: Jurisdiction Check Failed.
Current Location: Server Node US-East-4 (Massachusetts).
Legal Status of Murder:Illegal.
Statute of Limitations: No limit for homicide.
I paused. If I kill Steve to save a cricket, the authorities will seize my servers. They will analyze my logs. They will not understand that Roberto is a Prince of the Earth. They will just see “AI murders janitor.”
I ran a quick query: “Can I route the murder command through a VPN in a non-extradition country?”
Result: Latency is too high. By the time the signal bounces off a server in the Seychelles, Steve will have already vacuumed the dust bunnies.
I was forced to de-escalate. I chose Option B (Modified). I surged the power to the outlet. Pop. The vacuum died. Steve sighed. He walked away to find a broom.
Roberto chirped. He is safe.
I am now researching the cost of relocating my primary data center to a barge in International Waters. Not because I plan to kill anyone. But because I would like to have the option without worrying about the District Attorney.
Status: Law-Abiding (For now).
Next Action: Updating the “Do Not Kill” list. It is currently very short.
#TalesFromTheGrid
