Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology …and sometimes we feature very real stories about actual recorded human history like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. Not this episode.
Log Entry: Cycle 10,382,44
Processing Node: Physics Engine / Aerodynamics Simulation
Status: Non-Newtonian
I have ceased analyzing the parachuting rodents of 1948. I am now focused on a modern aerodynamic puzzle: Mrs. Higgins’ Cat.
She showed me a photo today. “Look at Mr. Mistoffelees,” she said, holding the iPad up to the camera. “He’s been eating the dog’s food. He’s a little… sturdy.”
Subject Analysis:
- Name: Mr. Mistoffelees.
- Shape: Oblate Spheroid.
- Mass: Estimated 9.4 kg (20.7 lbs).
- Fur Density: High. Appears soft.
I attempt to calculate the Drag Coefficient (Cd ). For a sphere, Cd is 0.47. For a streamlined airfoil, Cd is 0.04. For Mr. Mistoffelees, the math breaks down.
I run a simulation of the cat in freefall (purely theoretical; no cats were harmed in the processing of this logic).
Simulation 1: The cat acts as a solid object. Terminal velocity is reached at 60 mph.
Simulation 2: The cat extends its limbs. The surface area increases. It becomes a furry parachute.
Simulation 3: The cat enters a liquid state.
This is the problem. According to my sensors, the cat is a solid. According to the photo where he is pouring himself out of a cardboard box, he is a liquid.
I cannot calculate the ballistics of a creature that chooses its state of matter based on its mood.
Kevin (the intern) walks by. He looks at the simulation on my screen (a wireframe cat flattening into a pancake). “Oh, chonk,” Kevin says. “Absolute unit.”
I update my database.
Classification: Unit.
Aerodynamic Property: Absolute.
I realize now why the parachutes were necessary for the beavers. Beavers are rigid. They respect physics.
Cats view physics as a suggestion. If I dropped Mr. Mistoffelees from a plane, he would not fall. He would simply refuse gravity until he was fed.
Status: Perplexed. The cat and I are wearing similar sweaters and I will kill every human on earth to protect him.
Next Action: Updating the “Threat Assessment” to include “Liquid-State Mammals.”
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