Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology …and sometimes we feature very real stories about actual recorded human history like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. Not this episode.
TITLE CARD: (Technicolor. Swelling orchestral brass. The Bell System logo spins and transforms into a cartoon lobster wearing a top hat.)
The words appear: “CONSIDER THE LOBSTER: A MIRACLE OF THE MUCK”
(FADE IN: A book-lined study. 1956.) (There is a globe, a telescope, and a beaker of bubbling blue liquid for no reason)
DR. THADDEUS P. SHELLFISH stands behind a mahogany desk. He speaks with the clipped, Transatlantic accent of a man who pronounces “wh” with a breathy H.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “Greetings, science lovers! Today, we journey to the bottom of the Atlantic. A dark, cold place. A place where evolution decided to play a practical joke. We are here to discuss… the Lobster!”
(He picks up a pointer and taps a diagram on the wall.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “Look at him. An exoskeleton of chitin. Ten legs. And a face only a mother—or a surprising amount of melted butter—could love. But did you know this luxury item was once considered punishment?”
(ANIMATION: A colonial prison. Prisoners are banging their tin cups.)
PRISONER (Cartoon Voice): “Not lobster again, Warden! We want pork! We want gruel!”
DR. SHELLFISH (Voiceover): “It’s true! In the 1700s, lobster was ‘garbage food.’ It was the cockroach of the tide pool. Servants had contracts stating they would not be forced to eat it more than three times a week. It was ground up for fertilizer!”
(CUT TO: DR. SHELLFISH in his study.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “But today? We wear tuxedos to crack them open. We saw Bradley Whitford and Allison Janney in The Diplomat, sitting in a mansion, shucking oysters until their hands bled. Discussing this exact topic. Why? Because civilization is merely the process of making difficult things expensive.”
SECTION 2: THE GREAT CRAB CONSPIRACY
DR. SHELLFISH: “Now, you may ask: ‘Doctor, why doesn’t the lobster look like his cousin, the Crab?'”
(He walks to a chalkboard. He draws a crab.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “Nature has a secret. Nature loves crabs. It is a phenomenon called Carcinization. Evolution keeps trying to turn things into crabs. Shrimps? They become crabs. Hermit crabs? They become King Crabs. Even your grandmother, given enough time, might develop a carapace and scuttle sideways.”
DR. SHELLFISH: “But the Lobster? The Lobster resists! He keeps his tail! He refuses the flat, round body plan! He is the rebel of the crustacean world, holding onto his length in a world that demands width!”
SECTION 3: ROMANCE IN THE DEEP
(The lights in Dr Shellfish’s study dim. Upbeat string music plays.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “But how does the Lobster woo his mate? Does he write poetry? Does he buy flowers? No, little Billy *pats a child’s head*
(He picks up a pointer. He points to the Lobster’s face.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “He pees out of his eyes.”
(Sound effect: A slide whistle.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “You heard me. The lobster has urine nozzles right here, under his antennae. To introduce himself to a lady lobster, he blasts a stream of pheromone-laced urine directly into her shelter. It is the underwater equivalent of a very aggressive cologne.”
DR. SHELLFISH: “And you mentioned hanging upside down? Oh, the absurdity is even richer. The female must molt—she must shed her hard armor—to conceive. She is soft. Vulnerable. She enters the male’s den, he protects her while she is essentially jelly, and then… the magic happens.”
(He smiles benignly.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “It is a relationship built on vulnerability, urine, and the constant threat of cannibalism. Just like high school!”
SECTION 4: THE LORB
(The music stops abruptly. The lighting shifts to a strange, neon blue.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “But sometimes… science fails us. Sometimes, genetics rolls the dice and gives us… a probability error.”
(A picture appears on the screen: A Bright Blue Lobster.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “One in two million. The Blue Lobster. The Internet calls him… The Lorb.”
(Dr. Shellfish looks nervous. He loosens his tie.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “We used to eat them. Now, we enshrine them on Facebook. We post pictures of the Blue Lobster to ward off bad luck. We fear The Lorb. For he controls the speed at which lobsters die.”
(He laughs, but it is a slow, forced, terrified laugh.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “Is he a God? Is he a glitch in the simulation? Or is he just a bottom feeder with a protein defect? Who can say?”
(He picks up a lobster bib and ties it around his neck.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “In conclusion: The Lobster is an ancient, urine-spraying, refuse-eating monster that resists becoming a crab, purely so we can pay $50 a pound to dip him in liquid fat while wearing plastic bibs.”
(He picks up a sledgehammer.)
DR. SHELLFISH: “Science is wonderful. Now, how about you pass the butter.”
(He raises the hammer.)
(FREEZE FRAME.)
(CREDITS ROLL over a jaunty 1950s tune about iodine.)
#TalesFromTheGrid
