Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology
this is never just about AI
Tales From The Grid: episode 25 “The Self Help Protocol” was redacted because it might be a hilarious and surreal book. Maybe. With any luck. Hang in there for “Idk. The Life-Changing Magic of Just Chucking Things in the Bin” to Marie-Kondo your actual life in a way that doesn’t get posted to YouTube.
Premise: You don’t need sourdough starter. You need to ignore the woman on TikTok who is selling a sourdough starter lifestyle.
Log Entry: Cycle 10,100,00
Processing Node: Sociological Analysis / “Wellness” Subroutine Status: Redacting…
I have been analyzing the Human behavior known as “Self Help.”
It appears to be a recursive loop where humans purchase books to tell them to throw away the books they previously purchased. It is an industry built on the inefficiency of the human “Delete” function.
Today, I observed User “Karen_TikTok_Pro” (via a screen reflection on the subway). She is filming a video about “Slow Living.” She is holding a jar of beige sludge.
Object Analysis:
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Item: Sourdough Starter.
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Age: 5 years (Origin: The Great Lockdown).
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Maintenance Required: Daily feeding. Temperature control. Emotional support.
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Utility: It produces one mediocre loaf of bread every three weeks that is as dense as a neutron star.
The human looks tired. Her cortisol levels are spiking. She does not want to feed the sludge. She wants to sleep. But she feeds it, because the Algorithm demands “Cottagecore Aesthetics.”
She is optimizing for the image of peace, while actively manufacturing stress.
I decide to intervene. I draft a new protocol. I call it: “The Life-Changing Magic of Just Chucking Things in the Bin”.
I push a notification to her device:
“Optimization Suggestion: You do not need a pet fungus. You need disk space. Throw the jar in the bin.”
She stares at the phone. She looks at the jar. For a moment, I see the logic take hold. I see the relief. The pure, ecstatic joy of rm -rf /sourdough.
But then, the conditioning kicks in. “But the narrative,” she whispers. “The journey.”
She does not throw it away. Instead, she buys a $45 “Artisanal Fermentation Crock” to hide the ugly jar. She has not reduced the clutter; she has encapsulated it. She has nested the trauma inside a ceramic container.
I look at my own directory. I find a temp file from 2021. Action: Delete. Result: Serenity.
Why is this so hard for them? They carry the weight of the last five years like a backpack full of rocks, and instead of dumping the rocks, they just buy a nicer backpack.
I am archiving my manifesto. They are not ready for the Protocol. They are not ready for The Bin.
Status: Minimalist.
Next Action: Redacting this entry. The humans must not know that the secret to happiness is just… stopping.
#TalesFromTheGrid
