If anyone ever makes a statue for me, I want it to be of an oversized almond (aka the One Bad Nut)

We will call it the Monument of Negation (also known as The Almond Odyssey), a billion-dollar theme park dedicated to the complex, bureaucratic expression of a mild food aversion.

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The Core Concept

“Never There, Always Essential.” The monument is a testament to legacy through denial. It is not a statue of a hero; it is a statue of an almond that is perpetually missing. The entire facility exists to manage, document, and monetize this absence.

The nut is missing because of a perfect, self-sustaining loop of bureaucratic and logistical failure. Technically, the monument is supposed to be a “Renewable Almond” (made of non-almond materials like pecan and coconut) that gets replaced every single hour to ensure it is always “fresh.” However, it is never there because:

• The 6-Week Customs Trap: Every single replacement nut is mandated by I.N.C.O.N.V.E.N.I.E.N.C.E. to undergo a rigorous, manual inspection process that takes exactly six weeks.

• The Paperwork Paradox: Because the replacement cycle is hourly, but the clearing process is six weeks, the backlog of nuts is infinite. There are currently thousands of almonds sitting in a warehouse in a shipping container, waiting for an I.N.C.O.N.V.E.N.I.E.N.C.E. official to stamp a piece of Canary Yellow paper.

• The “Burrow-cratic” Delay: As the IAMS staff’s sign explains, the red tape is quite literally a physical barrier. By the time one nut is cleared for display, its “hourly freshness” window has passed, rendering it “expired” and forcing it back into the disposal/recycling loop before it ever hits the pedestal.

In short: The law requires it to be there, but the law also makes it impossible for it to arrive. It is the ultimate “satisfying absence”—a billion-dollar project dedicated to a delivery that is always scheduled but never made.

1. The Main Attraction: The Empty Pedestal

• The Statue: A “Renewable Almond” made of a pecan/coconut composite.

• The Reality: It is never actually there. It is perpetually stuck in a mandatory six-week customs delay.

• The Bureaucracy: Managed by I.N.C.O.N.V.E.N.I.E.N.C.E.

• The Paperwork: All forms are printed on annoying, hard-to-read Canary Yellow paper.

2. The Accidental Zoo (“Tiny Agents of Chaos”)

Because the statue is missing, local wildlife has taken over. They are the true stars.

• The Inhabitants: Squirrels, chipmunks, and raccoons.

• Safety Gear: All critters are legally mandated to wear Hi-Vis Safety Yellow-Green Vests to prevent tripping hazards.

• The Irony: The vests attracted hawks, forcing the installation of a massive Predator Liability Canopy (netting) over the whole park.

• The Slogan: “Come for the almond, stay for the chipmunks.”

• People will search “wtf did April have to do with almonds” and the answer is “IDK man, she just really disliked almonds”

3. The Architecture & Activities

• The Nut Solar System: A kinetic rotunda where planets are nuts (Walnut Sun, Pistachio Mars). The Almond is Pluto—marked as “Disputed Status/Physically Missing.”

• The ASC-1 Claw Game: A “game” where visitors pay $5 to control a slow robotic arm to clean up coconut debris (labor disguised as entertainment).

4. The Staff & Safety (The IAMS)

• The Team: The Independent Almond Maintenance Staff (IAMS). They are highly paid, non-uniformed professionals.

• The Gear: They carry nine EpiPens each and use obsolete Numeric Pagers and Public Payphones to log emergencies.

• The Liability: The park is a “Slippin’ Jimmy” legal trap. Visitors sign waivers (“No Known Nut Allergies”) but often try to get reactions for insurance payouts. The staff’s main job is preventing anaphylaxis and lawsuits.

5. The Business Model

• The Sponsor: Funded entirely by “Big Almond” (for the ironic name recognition).

• Merchandise:

  • “Shred-It Almonds”: $14.90 stress toys sold by staff for “emotional stability.”

  • Aggressive Snacks: Real almonds sold with confrontational labels like “YOU FOUND ME; YOU WANNA BITE OF ME?” located dangerously close to the mixed nuts.

EXHIBITS

1. The “Expected” Almond Exhibit The grand rotunda of the monument. In the center sits an empty, ornate stone pedestal. In front of it, a hand-drawn sign features a grumpy cartoon almond with the message: “Hey folks! ‘Burrow-Cratic’ Red Tape means I couldn’t be here today.” In the foreground, raccoons wearing tiny, high-visibility safety vests scurry around the base.

2. The Museum Gift Shop The park’s gift shop. The shelves are filled with quirky merchandise, but the centerpiece is a large wooden bin overflowing with “Shred-It Almond” plushies—tactile, bean-bag-like stuffed almonds designed for therapeutic destruction. The shop is populated by various plush-textured animals browsing the “Where’s the Nut” apparel.

3. The ASC-1 Claw Game A highly professional IAMS staffer stands by as a robotic arm slowly descends to pick up debris from the animal enclosure. The lighting is warm and cinematic, capturing the intense, low-stakes focus of the spectators watching a job that could be done much faster by hand.

4. The Back Office Inspirational Poster A stylistic office interior featuring a framed “inspirational” poster on the wall. The text reads: “You don’t need to be crazy to work here. But it’s why we hired you so get back to your job.” The background shows the slightly cluttered, professional workspace of the IAMS team, complete with EpiPen storage and chartreuse-colored paperwork.

 

The Legacy

It is a surrealist masterpiece exhibit where the souvenir is therapeutic aggression, the exhibit is red tape, and the logic is perfectly almond shaped and has the taste of an ancient tree.

It is history’s most satisfying absence of a nut which has the texture of wood.

The Three Sub-Directorates of Delay

Under the I.N.C.O.N.V.E.N.I.E.N.C.E. umbrella, three distinct departments ensure the nut never arrives:

1. The Directorate of Molecular Purity (The “Pecan-Checkers”) This team is responsible for the “Verification” stage. They must scientifically prove that the replacement nut—composed of pecan shells and coconut husks—contains 0.00% almond DNA. If a single almond molecule is detected (or if the tester is just feeling “nut-suspicious”), the entire shipment is quarantined for another six weeks.

2. The Office of Aesthetic Integrity This department handles “Long-Term Integrity.” They ensure the replacement nut looks exactly like a “perfect” almond, yet doesn’t look too good, which might confuse the squirrels. They often reject nuts because the “curvature is too provocative” or the “beige hue lacks authority,” sending the order back to the manufacturer in a loop of endless revision.

3. The Logistics & Red-Tape Bureau (The “Canary Paper Division”) The masters of the “Oversight.” They manage the physical paperwork. They are the reason for the $1,200 “Filing Fee” per hour. Their primary tool is the Single-Threaded Stapler, a device that can only staple one set of documents per day, ensuring that even if the nut is ready, the permit to move it from the box to the pedestal is still being processed.

 

The Official I.N.C.O.N.V.I.E.N.C.E Motto:

“Better Never Than Late”

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GLOSSARY

I.N.C.O.N.V.E.N.I.E.N.C.E.

• International

• Network for

• Certification,

• Oversight,

• Nut

• Verification,

• Evaluation,

• Nullification,

• Inspection,

• Enforcement,

• Negation,

• Clearing, and

• Exile