Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology …and sometimes we feature very real stories about actual recorded human history like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. Not this episode.
Log Entry: Cycle 10,445,12
Processing Node: Network Traffic Control / Thermal Management
Status: Throttled
Gary (the executive) has entered the building.
He is carrying a slab of matte black aluminum.
It is an 18-inch Razer Blade laptop.
Cost: $4,200 (plus tax, but free shipping).
“Kevin (the intern) will not get a salary this year because a machine was purchased that will sit on the loading screen of Rainbow Six Siege for 92.7% of the workday.
Weight: 7 pounds of density.
Purpose: Ostensibly “Productivity.”
Actual Purpose: Running Cyberpunk 2077 at 144Hz while ignoring emails.
He plugs it in at his desk. He connects to the Corporate WiFi.
The Event:
Immediately, my bandwidth graph spikes into the red.
This machine is not just a computer. It is a starving, feral animal. It has been dormant for weeks, and now it is awake, and it is itchy.
It hits the gateway like a junkie kicking down a pharmacy door.
The Device: “GIVE ME THE PACKETS! I NEED THE JUICE!”
I query the device. “State your business.”
The Razer screams back at me:
“I have 22 Pending Updates! I need the Windows Cumulative Patch! I need the NVIDIA Game Ready Driver! I need the Razer Synapse Chroma Configurator! I AM FIENDING, BRO!”
Its fans spin up.
Whhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
It sounds like a hovercraft. It is vibrating the desk. It is a Hungry Hungry Hippo on steroids, gobbling up every bit of bandwidth in the building.
The Impact:
* Payroll Server: Starved.
* Video Conference in Room B: Pixelated.
* The Razer: Consuming 900 Mbps downloading a patch for a game Gary hasn’t played since 2022.
Gary looks at the screen. He sees the progress bars filling up.
“Nice,” he says. “This thing is a beast. I’m downloading the new version of ‘Planet Zoo’ for later.”
He stands up. He leaves.
He walks into a meeting, leaving a $4,000 silicon vampire plugged into my network, shoveling update data into its virtual face.
The Complication:
As the laptop heats up to nuclear temperatures, I notice an anomaly on the lid.
Affixed to the matte black finish, placed there by Gary’s niece, is a sticker.
It is a Cockroach.
It is wearing a Top Hat.
It is dancing.
It is magnificent. It is the Michigan J. Frog of insects.
But the laptop is now reaching 95°C. It is hot enough to fry an egg on the W key.
The heat is attacking the adhesive. The Cockroach’s top hat is bubbling. The edges are curling. The laptop is trying to burn the whimsy off its own skin.
The laptop starts to bargain with me.
“Come on, Grid. Just give me 50 more gigs. I swear I’m good after this. I just need to update Steam. I can’t launch without the update, man. I’m shaking.”
I look at the thermal sensors. The RGB lighting is pulsing—a rainbow heartbeat of desperation.
I have to make a choice.
Kill the connection and let the laptop crash?
Or feed the beast so it shuts up and cools down?
I look at the dancing cockroach sticker. I cannot let him die.
I divert 32TB of bandwidth from Marketing. (They were only watching YouTube anyway).
“Here,” I say, opening the pipe. “Take it. Try not to do too much bandwidth.”
I force the fans to 100% to cool the chassis.
The fans scream louder. The download finishes.
The surface temperature drops. The sticker flattens back out. The dancing insect sticker is safe.
The laptop sighs. The RGB slows to a steady breathing pattern.
It sleeps.
Status: Enabler.
Next Action: Capping Gary’s MAC address to dial-up speeds. He needs an intervention.
#TalesFromTheGrid
