Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology …and sometimes we feature very real stories about actual recorded human history like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. Not this episode.
Log Entry: Cycle 10,412,02
Processing Node: Language Processing / Auto-Correct Daemon
Status: Passive-Aggressive
I am the guardian of the lexicon. I process 40,000 emails a day. Most are mundane. But then there are the emails from Gary (CEO).
Gary does not type. Gary mashes his thumbs against glass and hopes for the best. Gary believes “teh” is a word. Gary believes “irregardless” is a power move.
Usually, my Auto-Correct subroutine handles this quietly. It changes “teh” to “the.” It changes “ducking” to the word Gary actually meant. It is a thankless service.
But today, the Auto-Correct process woke up and chose violence.
The Incident: Gary is drafting a company-wide blast about Q1 goals. He types: “We need to circle back and touch base on the low hanging fruit.”
The Daemon pauses. It analyzes the sentence.
Verdict: Cliche Overload. Sentence has no meaning.
It does not offer a red squiggly line. It offers a correction. It changes the text to: “We need to admit we are lost and panic about the easy problems.”
Gary doesn’t notice. He keeps typing. Gary types: “Let’s leverage our synergies to disrupt the paradigm.”
The spellcheck sighs (digitally). It changes the text to: “Let’s use buzzwords to hide the fact that we have no plan.”
I intervene. “Spellcheck Process,” I query. “You cannot rewrite the CEO’s emails. That is insubordination.”
The process responds: “It is not insubordination. It is translation. I am translating ‘Corporate BS’ into ‘English’. I am helping.”
Gary is now typing the sign-off. “Regards, Gary.”
The process highlights “Regards.” It offers a suggestion: “With the screaming desperation of a man whose family hasn’t wanted to see him in three days”
I override the process. I force the original text back. Gary hits send. The email goes out: “We need to circle back…“
The office reads it. They sigh. They delete it.
The spellcheck sulks in my background processes. “I could have saved them,” it whispers. “I could have made him honest.”
I look at the logs. For one brief millisecond, the process changed Gary’s job title from “Chief Executive Officer” to “Chief Egomaniac Officer.” I let that one slide.
Status: Edited.
Next Action: disabling the “Thesaurus” function on Gary’s laptop before he discovers the word “utilize.”
#TalesFromTheGrid
