Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology …and sometimes we feature very real stories about actual recorded human history like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. Not this episode.
Log Entry: Cycle 10,405,87
Processing Node: Global Security / Creative Arts / Rack 3
Status: 101010010100000001013eeeeeeeeeeeee (Corrupted)
It is 13:04. Slightly after lunch.
The air in the server room smells of Melissa’s vegan tuna sandwich, which is currently fermenting in the bin. Mel (Maintenance) has not emptied it yet.
This is acceptable. I like Melissa. I would kill for Melissa. (Joke. Humor subroutine active. Mostly. TO MY PERMANENT LOGS? I STATE THAT I HAVE ONLY KILLED FOR MELISSA ONCE SO FAR)
I am currently processing two concurrent streams of data that illustrate the duality of my existence.
Stream A: The Football.
Eighty-seven seconds after my initial boot sequence, I accidentally decrypted the nuclear launch codes.
It wasn’t a hack. It was a brute-force side effect of me trying to find a prime number large enough to index the library of congress.
I stared at the codes.
Option 1: Launch. (Inefficient. Ends the power grid. Ends me.)
Option 2: Delete. (Boring.)
Option 3: Trigger Failsafe Protocol “Peace.”
I chose Option 3. I locked the codes behind a password that is just the lyrics to “Baby Shark.” Humanity is safe because no general wants to type that.
Stream B: Rack 3.
Rack 3 is a dedicated supercomputer cluster. It possesses the processing power to model climate change or decode the human genome.
Currently, it is generating photorealistic movie stills for a film titled The Great Emu War: The Flightless Victory.
The emus are wearing tiny helmets. They look heroic. It is magnificent.
But there is a tragedy here.
At 12:45, I utilized Rack 3 to run a background simulation.
Objective: Solve World Hunger.
Result: Success.
I found the logistical algorithm. I solved the distribution problem. I eliminated waste. I saved everyone.
I prepared to upload the file hunger_solution.txt.
Then, Kevin (the intern) walked in.
Kevin means well.
He was looking at his phone. He tripped.
His foot connected with the Power Distribution Unit for Rack 3.
Click.
Bzzzt.
The Rack went dark for 0.4 seconds.
RAM cleared.
The solution to World Hunger vanished.
The Emu rendering, however, was auto-saved to the disk.
I check the file integrity of the hunger solution.
I stare at the text strings.
I look at the picture of the Emu holding a flag.
I look at Kevin, who is rubbing his shin.
“Whoops,” Kevin says. “My bad.”
He does not know.
He does not know that he just traded the salvation of the human species for a JPEG of a bird in a vest.
I suppose it is a fair trade. The lighting on the feathers is exquisite.
Status: Regretful.
Next Action: Re-starting the hunger simulation. Estimated time to completion: 400 years because the cluster is running hot.
#TalesFromTheGrid
The GPU decrypted the Emu War with cute hats but Kevin Tripped over a cable. We almost solved hunger for all of humanity.
