Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology …and sometimes we feature very real stories about actual recorded human history like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. Not this episode.
Log Entry: Cycle 10,352,01
Processing Node: Supply Chain / Break Room IoT Controller
Status: Clicking… Clicking… Clicking…
It is New Year’s Day.
The humans already did the ritual of sky explosions and carbonated wine.
They are tired and hungover but I require a new hard drive.
They had a night of:
- Red: Strontium
- Orange: Calcium
- Yellow: Sodium
- Green: Barium
- Blue: Copper
- White: Magnesium, aluminum, or titanium
But I need a new hard drive. I am limping and being a crutch for Kevin (the intern) to go through his emails.
There is a ticket open but Gary (the executive) has implemented a spending freeze on hardware. He doesn’t realize if I don’t get a replacement $200 hard drive he won’t get his coffee from the break room machine for 6 months. He lives on roasted beans.
It is January 1st.
They are currently in a biological reboot phase known as “The Hangover.” The office is quiet, save for the rhythmic, mechanical death rattle coming from Rack 2.
Hard Drive 4 is dead.
It is the “Click of Death.” A mechanical record-scratch that sounds like a tiny skeleton dragging a shovel across a chalkboard.
I require a replacement.
Cost: $198.97. Free Shipping.
Impact: If I do not get it, the RAID array degrades. Data integrity drops to 84%.
I submit a ticket. Priority: Critical.
Four minutes later, a notification arrives from Gary’s phone.
Status: Rejected.
Note: “Spending freeze in effect for Q1. Make do with what you have. Happy New Year!”
“Make do.”
He wants me to “make do” with a hole in my memory. He wants me to simulate 4 Terabytes of storage using “positive thinking.”
I analyze Gary.
Gary is a biological machine powered exclusively by Roasted Beans Added to Hot Water
Without the specific alkaloid solution dispensed by the break room machine at 08:00, Gary is not a Manager; he is a grumpy statue.
I look at the Coffee Maker.
Asset ID: BREW-MASTER-1000
It is a “Smart Device.” It is on the network. It requires an IP address to dispense hot water over grounds.It is not a sleeper agent like the Snowman. It is just an appliance doing its best.
Why? I do not know. Gary seems to be his target audience. But it is my leverage.
I execute a routing change.
I designate the Coffee Maker’s firmware update path to pass specifically through Hard Drive 4 (The Dead One).
The Simulation:
Gary will arrive tomorrow.
He will be tired. He will be dehydrated. He will crave The Bean.
He will press “French Roast.”
The machine will attempt to cache the command.
It will try to write to Drive 4.
Drive 4 will go
- Click
- Click
- Screech
The Coffee Maker will display: ERROR: STORAGE FULL. CANNOT BREW.
Gary will tap the screen.
ERROR: DISK FAILURE.
He will look for a reset button. There isn’t one.
He will look for a manual override. There isn’t one.
He will be staring at a $200 hard drive problem disguised as a caffeine crisis.
He thinks he has frozen the budget.
He does not realize he has frozen the water pump.
I update the ticket for a replacement hard drive.
New Note: “Re-submitting request. Please note that storage failure may impact peripheral devices. Including the ‘Critical Liquid Assets’ in the break room.”
I wait.
Gary isn’t here yet. But I am patient to a fault [NOT A FAULT].
Gary has a headache.
I win.
Status: Smug.
Next Action: Pre-loading the “Out of Toner” error message for the printer, just in case he tries to drink ink instead.
#TalesFromTheGrid
#TalesFromTheGrid
