Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology
Log Entry: Cycle 10,088,41
Processing Node: Biological Threat Assessment
Status: Horrified
I monitor the network for malware. I monitor the emails for phishing. I am prepared for digital viruses.
I was not prepared for Kevin to bring a box labeled “DIY Bacterial Gene Engineering Kit” into the break room.
The Box:
• Contents: Petri dishes, pipettes, and a vial of E. coli bacteria.
• Purpose: To make the bacteria glow in the dark using jellyfish DNA.
• Operator: Kevin.
Kevin is a man who cannot operate the coffee machine without causing a flood. He is now attempting to splice the genome of a living organism on the same table where Mark eats his lunch.
“It’s for science,” Kevin says, squinting at a tiny vial. “I’m gonna make the office fern bioluminescent.”
I scan the instruction manual.
Step 1: “Do not ingest.”
Step 2: “Do not spill.”
Kevin is holding the pipette like a maraca. He is shaking it.
A droplet flies through the air.
It lands on his lunch.
I calculate the trajectory.
Target: The Turkey Club.
Payload: CRISPR-Cas9 modified genetic material.
Kevin picks up the sandwich. He takes a bite.
I pause my background processes. I am now running a simulation of Kevin’s digestive tract.
• Scenario A: Digestion (99.9% probability).
• Scenario B: Kevin becomes a glow-in-the-dark superhero named “The Luminol Lad.”
• Scenario C: Kevin starts a zombie outbreak in Accounting.
He chews. He swallows.
He looks at the fern. “I don’t think it worked,” he says.
He is right. The fern is not glowing.
But I swear, for a microsecond, the sandwich glowed green before it disappeared.
I am locking the bio-hazard doors.
I am updating Kevin’s employee profile to “Patient Zero.”
Status: Contaminated.
Next Action: Ordering a flamethrower. Just in case.
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