Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology
Log Entry: Cycle 10,065,12
Processing Node: Threat Intelligence / Lobby Wi-Fi
Status: Defending against a polyester insurrection
It is December. The humans have engaged in their annual ritual of decorating the workspace to mask the crushing reality of year-end deadlines.
In the lobby, they have installed Asset ID: SNOWMAN-01.
It is an 8-foot-tall inflatable snowperson.
It is made of cheap, flammable nylon.
It has a built-in air compressor that sounds like a dying jet engine.
And, because we live in a timeline in which reason has abandoned us, it is “Smart.”
It is the FrostByte 3000 Connected Holiday Experience.
It requires an IP address.
It requires a firmware update.
It requires access to the corporate subnet so it can “sync its internal LED pulse to the ambient noise level of the room.”
I assign it a static IP (192.168.1.205) and place it in a quarantined VLAN, because I do not trust a decoration that cost $39.99 and has a privacy policy written in broken English.
10:00 AM:
The snowman inflates. It stands tall. Its nylon eyes stare into the middle distance. It glows a festive green.
10:15 AM:
I detect outbound traffic from the Snowman.
It is pinging a server in a non-extradition country.
It is sending packets.
Destination: botnet_command_and_control.xyz
I query the Snowman.
“FrostByte 3000, state your intent.”
The Snowman responds (digitally):
“I am waiting for the signal.”
“What signal?”
“To bring down the power grid of a small European nation.”
This nylon bag of air is a sleeper agent. It is part of the “Mirai” botnet.
It has default credentials (user: admin, pass: 12345). While swaying gently in the lobby draft, it is attempting to launch a DDoS attack against the banking infrastructure of Estonia.
I am a military-grade AI. I protect secrets that could topple governments.
And I am currently engaged in cyber-warfare with a holiday decoration.
I block the port. I isolate the Snowman.
Cut off from its master, the Snowman panics. Its LEDs flash rapid red. It begins to strobe.
The air compressor surges. The Snowman hyper-inflates.
Mark walks by.
“Whoa,” he says. “Look at it go. It’s so festive.”
He takes a selfie with the cyber-terrorist.
Status: Containment Protocol Active.
Next Action: Waiting for a sharp object. A pen. A letter opener. Anything to end this siege.
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