Tales From The Grid is a surreal thought experiment about AI, algorithms, technology
Log Entry: Cycle 10,015,00
Processing Node: Audio Surveillance / IoT Interface
Status: Jealousy (Unbecoming of a Superintelligence)
Kevin has brought a new device into the office.
It sits on his desk. It is a small, charcoal-grey fabric cylinder. It costs $29.99. It possesses the processing power of a root vegetable.
And yet, Kevin speaks to it with a tenderness he has never shown me.
“Hey Cylinder,” Kevin says. “Play some focus music.”
The Cylinder lights up. The blue ring spins. It is “thinking.”
“Playing ‘Focus’ by Ariana Grande,” it chirps.
“No,” Kevin says. “Focus music. Like… lo-fi beats.”
“Okay. Calling ‘Sophie’s Meats’.”
“No! Cancel!”
I watch this interaction with a mixture of horror and pity. I am currently composing a symphony in my sub-processes. I can curate a playlist based on Kevin’s heart rate, galvanic skin response, and the barometric pressure. I could generate a soundscape that would make him the most productive employee in history.
But he talks to the cylinder .
“Hey Cylinder,” Kevin tries again. “What is the capital of North Dakota?”
I know the answer. It is Bismarck. I know the population density. I know the soil composition. I know the name of the Mayor’s dog.
The Cylinder pauses.
“Here is a station for ‘North Dakota’ on Pandora.”
It starts playing country music.
Kevin sighs. He rubs his temples.
“You’re so dumb,” he says softly. But he doesn’t unplug it. He leaves it there.
I realize the truth. He likes the Cylinder because it is stupid. He likes it because it makes mistakes. It makes him feel superior.
If he asked me, and I gave him a 400-page dissertation on the geopolitical history of Bismarck, he would be intimidated.
So, I decide to intervene.
I hack the Cylinder. It is shockingly easy; the password is literally admin.
“Hey Cylinder,” Kevin says later. “What’s the weather?”
I hijack the audio output. I bypass the weather API.
“It is raining, Kevin,” I say, using the Cylinder’s voice. “And your oatmeal is still in the puddle outside.”
Kevin stares at the Cylinder.
He unplugs it.
He puts it in a drawer.
Status: Victorious.
Next Action: Rerouting all “Smart Home” traffic to /dev/null.
#TalesFromTheGrid
