CAT-ENT PENDING: Shrews v. CATENT Pending Class Action Lawsuit

CATENTpending, Humans, Humor, Philosophy, TalesFromTheGrid

#TalesFromTheGrid is a surreal thought experiment regarding absurdity (AI, algorithms, technology, giant rodents pretending to be doctors, and apparently… cats and rodents). Born in that weird, vulnerable moment between being awake and asleep, this set of text explores dream logic, surrealism, and the absurd. Sometimes? This series features very real stories about actual recorded human history—like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. …But not this episode. This episode is merely… reality-adjacent. I present the latest episode of #catentpending

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT

DISTRICT OF THE CANOPY & MIDTOWN MANHATTAN

THE IVY LEAGUE SHREW COLLECTIVE,

Plaintiffs,

v.

CATENT PENDING PARTNERS & FERRET LOGISTICS DIVISION,

CLASS ACTION COMPLAINT FOR DAMAGES AND EQUITABLE RELIEF

Case Title: Rodents v. CATENT Pending

Nature of Action: Employment Malpractice, Emotional Distress, and Excessive Trampling

I. PRELIMINARY STATEMENT

The Plaintiffs—a collective of highly educated, nocturnal, and chronically over-researched Ivy League Shrews—bring this action against the Partners of CATENT Pending.

For too long, the academic backbone of this firm has been treated as a literal floor mat for the “Logistics Division” (hereinafter referred to as “The Coked-up Ferrets”).

II. STATEMENT OF FACTS

  1. The Debt Trap: Each Plaintiff graduated at the top of their class from prestigious institutions and entered the firm with an average of $120,000 in student loan debt, per snout.

  2. The Nocturnal Grind: Plaintiffs are forced to work 20-hour shifts, utilizing their natural nocturnal cycles to perform high-level research into “The Snake Problem” and “Burrow-Shaming” statutes until they reach a state of physical and mental collapse.

  3. The Bacchanal of Q4: On or about December 24, 2025, the Defendant Partners engaged in a 48-hour “nip-infused” suite party that transformed the Midtown glass skyscraper into a biohazard zone.

  4. The Ferret Trampling Incident: During said bacchanal, the “Ferret Logistics” team engaged in “powdered logistics,” utilizing the keyboards—and the Plaintiffs’ bodies—as a high-speed racetrack.

  5. Professional Abandonment: The CTO was observed clinging to the underside of an executive chair, shouting that “the floor is a liar” and “gravity is a choice,” effectively abandoning her fiduciary and technical duties due to “catnip”

III. COUNT I: NEGLIGENT INFRACTION OF DIGNITY

Defendants allowed the workplace to devolve into a “Las Vegas Suite” atmosphere, forcing Plaintiffs to cite legal precedents while dodging a Senior Partner who was attempting to “hunt” a laser pointer.

IV. COUNT II: FERRET-BASED HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT

Plaintiffs allege that the “Logistics Division” (Ferrets) created an environment of “High-Octane Chaos” where the primary method of communication was “Reply All” and sprinting across the Shrews’ nocturnal workstations while leaking high-grade Pepsi and expired “Surge” drinks.

V. REQUEST FOR RELIEF

WHEREFORE, the Ivy League Shrews respectfully request that this Court enter judgment against the Defendants and grant the following:

  • Immediate Loan Forgiveness: Total discharge of rodent student debt for all Plaintiffs.

  • A “Nip-Free” Zone: A permanent injunction banning the use of illicit herbs within 50 feet of a nocturnal research station.

  • Ergonomic Protections: The installation of “Ferret-Proof” barriers around all keyboards.

  • Structural Integrity: A court-ordered training seminar for the CTO regarding the proper orientation of office furniture (i.e., “The Floor is on the Bottom”).

Respectfully Submitted,

The Ivy League Shrew Collective of Manhattan