#TalesFromTheGrid is a surreal thought experiment regarding AI, algorithms, technology, and now apparently… cats. Born in that weird, vulnerable moment between being awake and asleep, this set of text explores the dream logic. Sometimes? This series features very real stories about actual recorded human history—like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. But not this episode. This episode is merely… reality-adjacent
📺 COMMERCIAL BREAK (2:18 PM – 2:22 PM)
PRODUCT: “CRUNCH-BE-GONE”
TAGLINE: “Liquify the Enemy. With extra caffeine”
(VISUAL: A black-and-white shot of a person trying to eat a salad. They look terrified. The salad looks aggressive.)
NARRATOR (Voice is slightly sped up):
“Are you tired of food that fights back? Does the thought of an almond make your teeth itch? Do you suspect that ‘fiber’ is a government plot to map your insides?”
(VISUAL: A human] throws a blender into a wall.)
NARRATOR:
“Introducing CRUNCH-BE-GONE. It’s not a blender. It’s a Matter Dissolver.
We use military-grade lasers to turn anything—almonds, kale, legal documents—into a grey, tasteless sludge.
It’s safe! It’s smooth! It has the texture of… nothing.
Warning: Do not put your hand in the Crunch-Be-Gone. It does not know the difference between ‘hand’ and ‘ham’.”
PRODUCT: “THE FARADAY BAG… FOR YOUR HEAD”
TAGLINE: “Thoughts are data. Protect the asset.”
(VISUAL: KEVIN (our beloved intern)d is sitting at his desk. He is wearing a burlap sack lined with tinfoil over his head. He looks miserable.)
NARRATOR:
“They are listening. The algorithms. The smart fridges. The birds (which we all know are drones).
You use a VPN for your laptop. But what about your brain?
Introducing THE CRANIUM CAP.
It blocks 5G. It blocks WiFi. It blocks… conversation.
If you can’t hear them, they can’t hear you.”
(TEXT ON SCREEN: “Side effects include sweating, muffled hearing, and looking like a baked potato.”)
PRODUCT: “SCHRÖDINGER’S SUBSCRIPTION BOX”
TAGLINE: “You don’t know what you bought until you open it.”
(VISUAL: GREYSCALE [The Cat, somehow the CEO of a law firm] is sitting on a cardboard box. He looks smug.)
NARRATOR:
“Life is predictable. The Grid is boring.
Spice it up with Schrödinger’s Box.
For $19.99 a month, we send you a box.
Is there a prize inside? Is it empty? Is it full of angry bees? Is it just the concept of disappointment?
You won’t know until you break the seal.”
(VISUAL: An undersized comedian opens a box. It is full of packing peanuts. He screams.)
NARRATOR:
“Schrödinger’s Box. Because the only surprise left… is entropy.”
THE LOCAL BUSINESS SHOUT-OUT
BUSINESS: “DR. CHIPMUNK’S EMPORIUM OF SPEED”
LOCATION: The Hole Under the Deck (Suite B)
(VISUAL: A chaotic, shaky-cam video of a blur moving back and forth.)
VOICE (High-pitched, sped up):
“DO YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME? ARE YOU NAPPING? STOP IT!
COME ON DOWN TO THE EMPORIUM!
WE HAVE CAFFEINE! WE HAVE NUTS! WE HAVE THE KEYS TO YOUR CAR!
I STOLE THEM! CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!
Disclaimer: Not a real doctor. Not a real emporium. Just a tiny threat.”
STATION ID:
(Static)
“You are watching Public Access Channel 84. The time is Now. The location is Here-ish. Please stop tapping on the glass; you are scaring the pixels.”
(Static)
The only question left from this is:
Would you like to purchase the Cranium Cap, or would you like to sue Dr. Chipmunk for false advertising regarding the “Emporium”?
