#TalesFromTheGrid is a surreal thought experiment regarding AI, algorithms, technology, and now apparently… cats. Born in that weird, vulnerable moment between being awake and asleep, this set of text explores the dream logic. Sometimes? This series occasionally does feature very real stories about actual recorded human history—like the time we parachuted beavers into Idaho. But not this episode. This episode is merely… reality-adjacent
CASE: State of New York v. The “Good Boy”
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Mr. Greyscale (Esq., CEO, Vehicle)
CHARGE:Grand Theft Fromage & Destruction of Property (The Vase)
(GREYSCALE hops onto the railing of the jury box. He makes prolonged eye contact with Juror #4. He channels pure Jeff Goldblum energy.)
GREYSCALE: “Ladies and gentlemen of the… of the jury. Fascinating word, ‘jury.’ Comes from the Latin jurare, to swear. And I swear… I swear to you right now… that my client is innocent.
Let’s look at the facts. The so-called ‘crime scene.’ The prosecution—my esteemed colleague who smells faintly of dog shampoo—claims the cheese was ‘stolen.’
(He chuckles, cleaning a paw mid-sentence.)
Stolen? No, no, no. The cheese was… sitting. On the counter. It was exposed. It was naked. By placing the sharp cheddar on the edge of the Formica… the plaintiff was making an offer. A unilateral contract with the universe! The cheese was saying, ‘I am here. I am available. I am… distinct.’ My client simply… accepted the terms of service. He clicked ‘I Agree’ with his mouth. Is that a crime? Or is that… just aggressive negotiation?
And the vase. The… the Ming incident. (He gestures wildly with one claw.)
They say my client pushed it. They say he looked the owner in the eye and… boop. But I put it to you… that gravity is real. It’s a law. A fundamental force! My client didn’t break the vase. Isaac Newton broke the vase. My client was merely… conducting a peer-reviewed study on the effects of potential energy converting to kinetic energy.
If the vase did not want to fall… why was it so heavy? Why was it so… breakable? It was asking for it. It was flirting with the floor.
So, in conclusion. The cheese was a gift. The vase was a science experiment. And I… I am a vehicle. If you find my client guilty… you are finding physics guilty. And you can’t arrest physics. I tried. The handcuffs just fall off.”
(He knocks a glass of water off the judge’s bench.)
“I rest my case. And now that the sun is coming in through the window just the right way, I nap.”
